liberation

How about Thanking my mother
for the shocking taste of disgustingly red Tabasco sauce...
its' abrupt richness: yes, it was raw and spicy hot and awful
and unwelcome and burnt my throat as it sloshed
and i gagged as it was being forced into my mouth.
she always held me down!
at 5 or 6, i couldn't get up and felt hurt, uncertain, vulnerable.
Was she confused about her role?
Was this normal mother behavior?
privately behind closed doors hiding the disappointments; the anguishes.
Thank you for it all.
How about thanking my father for the broken nose at 8 and
the busted collarbone, the visible scars, the
body slams of my frail body into the unyielding living room wall,
or onto the linoleum kitchen floor, or the cheap bedroom mattress,
while on the new TV the Wonderful World of Disney
was telling everyone how wonderful life in America could be?
was my dad mad over his marriage or confused about his role
as a new father?
did his experiences in the 2nd World War as a navy sailor
scribble wildly in his emotional coloring book?
what about his drinking to excess? the drunken threats?
the belt lashing?
It couldn't have been entirely my fault, i later wondered?
Thank you for it all.
How about living in my metaphorical dog house
pushed down onto all fours, two small feet, two small hands,
thin arms and a thin body, being yelled at like the most disobedient mongrel?
i was always in the dog house,
shamed, abused, busted, but, significantly, never permanently broken.
NEVER BROKEN!  Well, house broken, yes.
Thank you for it all.
AND the SHARP knife?
How about the hatchet blade
violently chopping into the closed wooden door as I cowered on the far side?
NO, i wasn't going to open that bathroom door.
And how to explain the spontaneous angers?
The random beatings?
BUT all the while i was diving deeply into myself, hoping to learn,
to survive, to come out the other side, to thrive.
to discover a new world, a new life, a new way of seeing,
of breathing, of being.
Thank you for it all.
It wasn't a free ride.
not at all!  i paid.
Thank you for it all.
And for all of it, i forgive you.
My liberation.
i can't give it to you but i can talk about it.
My liberation.