Cotopaxi, Ecuador (summer 2012)

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

there is always the moon: a memoir

there is always the moon
dropping light
like bright pebbles
or like an extravagant  ball
racing above the clouds in regular lunar phases
blurring the gap like opium blurs the brain
perhaps of a famous schoolboy poet
who wrote a memoir about a voluptuous woman
with a skill giving French lessons
to the poor
instead of using her beautiful voice to teach diction
and how
without a penny
and only a single friend
became a successful actress on stage
and early screen,
who spoke with her golden voice on the radio
from where it was heard
by Gertrude Stein
who immediately wanted to visit for a book idea,
but the hour was late,
the suggestion less than honest,
and the moon had already fallen from the sky
on a star-filled night.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

the local bull

the local bull
his balls heavy with top spin
his pasture field too abstract for grass
the hard dirt like an engraving on stone,
scratched by hooves and horn and
bursts of penetrating rain
a gun metal grey sky
smoking puffs of clay clouds
swirling around his wet ringed nose
roots and rocks as well as sand
the twisted tree
a white shed for shelter while the
cold winds blow:
so sure of himself
he went to work on his rest day
using the unlocked back door
of his favorite arena
not too far from the herd
stuffing himself with momentary pleasure
between her legs.

Monday, November 6, 2017

the color of blood

for a more perfect solution
don't jump into the water!
but it's up to you, to
run don't walk on freshly mowed grass
it's so much lower than high class
chasing the hardest walnut seed
or watching the grey squirrel treed
and edged with zigzag sunshine rays
close to low rising river hills
swimming momentarily for cheap thrills
chasing flotsam from the beach
slowly drifting out of reach
darkening like a shadowed flower face
the current pulling as though in a race
sporting decomposition with hard arms
devoid of any imaginary charms
down to the last finishing smile
and fishing for a little while
with enthusiasm and a safety net
of slick driftwood heavy and wet
stuffed with raisins and in a rising tide
of toy boats and seaweed
the color of blood that wild dogs bleed.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

A Special Flower

Ford Madox Ford.
Ted Hughes!
his old lady
and her oven shoes
writing in their London flat
where she poetically sat
listening to the news
with Ezra Pound
and Dorothy,
who slipped underground:
he to Venice
stressing clarity
& musical words
absent disparity.
Robert Lowell.
Robert Frost!
at St. Elizabeths
at any cost
at any hour
giving the inmate
a special flower.
James Joyce
had no choice:
he always wore glasses
to see
language and brilliant infinity,
while Marianne Moore,
went quietly approaching her door,
but no one was there.
and it didn't seem fair
that Edna St. Vincent Millay,
who kissed all lips,
had the softest fingertips
to write sonnets
which the modernists hated
and constantly berated.
they loved Eliot, though,
especially the flow
of The Waste Land:
Pound for Pound
despair
and
The Burial of the Dead is there
stirring the air.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

tearing petals off a daisy

i heard what he had to say
and it hasn't even been a year
but i remain here
not sure if it's night or day
tearing petals off a daisy
growing restless and increasingly lazy
and as i slept
promises were not kept

indeed, my bath is cold
i'm feeling old
sleeping 
weeping
sometimes i'm peeping
over the border wall
there is an iron urinal
in an old white church
and from my cell
i can hear the refugees stomp and yell
looking for a place of their own:
for awhile it would remain unknown

ready to believe anything
sitting on an empty swing
set up on the west wing lawn
i'm waiting for a brighter dawn
ready to see
doors open 
the children set free

i heard what he had to say
and it hasn't even been a year
but i remain here
not sure if it's night or day
tearing petals off a daisy
growing restless and increasingly lazy
and as i slept
promises were not kept

indeed, my bath is cold
i'm feeling old
sleeping
weeping
sometimes i'm peeking
over the border wall
there is an iron urinal
in an old white church
and from my cell
i can hear the refugees stomp and yell
looking for a place of their own:
for awhile it would remain unknown

ready to believe anything
sitting on an empty swing
set up on the west wing lawn
i'm waiting for a brighter dawn
ready to see
doors open 
the children set free

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

a reason for beauty to exist

and in classical style
i used my chainsaw
to cut wood
that is hidden away in my
back yard
chopped split and piled
screened from prying eyes
covered from rain and the like
and there's no reason to alter that
the property has entrances through the trees
none underground
and a fireplace inside linked to a tall chimney
so that in times of siege
i can stay warm on cold winter nights
with a neat bottle of middling red wine and an old book
of French poetry
totally free of riddles and drafts
and when quite fortunate
to share and care
there is a woman with tastes that are affordably
plain or fancy
seated closely
nestled in a brown leather chair
comfortably awake
and that's a reason for beauty to exist.

Monday, October 23, 2017

replacing blue and green

it's obscene!
and terribly mean
the repeated yelling
about a homosexual scene
and a subsequent arrest
but who is the real protagonist?
from the darkness of the theater
a woman shrieked;
her paper cup leaked
and the audience fell silent
when they learned who was sent
to save the day
they had nothing to say
about the suicide in a Washington bar
it might have happened far
away
and there was always hell to pay
for any water on the floor.
many old friends went off to war
and some would die
eating their mother's apple pie
to save face
an anonymous caller asked me for a taste
while someone ripped my coat
before the end of Act Three
but i escaped responsibility
like a successful trespasser in the dark
took a walk in Gorky Park
ice skated with a famous church mouse
in the backyard of his Georgetown house
sometime in early 2017
it's obscene!
and terribly mean
replacing blue and green
for West Virginia coalminer's black,
painting the White House walls
in full-size images of an Idaho potato sack
making calls
to bring back the ghosts of Christmas past.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

building the wall

oh shit!
in a letter to the Trump tower
there were comments about building the wall
and all the work and money
the back-breaking labor
the stupidity
the bullshit, frankly, and all the crazy stuff
well, just thinking about it gives me heartache,
so i'll pass with this comment:
somewhere there is a thief
supposedly honest
who was never accused of any wrongdoing
which he wouldn't deflect,
who hides a receipt under his remaining hair,
who regards himself as a builder
but mainly of his own reputation
and who, later in life, will probably co-author a very slim book
about his early years
working so so bigly hard to achieve world peace.
oh shit!

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Bowie

with the flag unfurled
The Man Who Sold The World,
lungs full
of Major Tom and stardust,
a busted Angie bust,
and a nose for changing money,
the only artist capable of
dressing like an androgynous honey
while acting like Cocaine Man,
played the pipes like mythological Pan
and did things differently each day
singing cabaret
100,000 miles
of strawberry blond smiles
far away
getting his rocks off
rocking with his socks off
at a crossroad with a Spiders From Mars book
he signed a contract for a closer look
stayed in tune and natural fact
without a straight and narrow track
he'd dance with his Brixton pants
pulled high over his head
like guitar Heroes
he meant exactly what he said
lighting a spark in the dark dark
jumping over the marriage bed
wham bam
thank you ma'am
Fame wasn't the only game
he went on to claim
in Black Tie White Noise
and all the famous Rebel Rebel boys
with children baskets filled with favorite toys
they did things differently each day
singing cabaret
100,000 miles
of strawberry blond smiles
far away
getting his rocks off
rocking with his socks off
at a crossroads he took a Spiders From Mars book
he signed a contract for a closer look
stayed in tune and natural fact
without a straight and narrow track
he'd dance with his Brixton pants
pulled high over his head
like guitar Heroes
he meant exactly what he said
lighting a spark in the dark dark
jumping over the marriage bed
wham bam
thank you ma'am

Saturday, October 7, 2017

one Last Supper

go back to your student days
of thinking clearly
or in a haze
would you care
if grounded
or up in the air
about anything there
fantascising conceptually
enslaved
or creatively free
missing out on no important detail
remember:  it's pass or fail
on the final page
escaping from your cage
into the outside
rather than the inside
power walking
or hitching a ride
living dreams
buying them
and visionary schemes
and torments and martyrdom
and thoughts of elementary school
acting dead
or playing it cool
in a cafeteria dress
at morning recess
kicking that spinning ball
against the solid brick wall
and a civil war broke out
much later in life
you carried a hidden plastic knife
when i heard you shout
eating one Last Supper
with a faint hint
of an after-dinner mint
while you filled your sketchbook
taking a last look
at all the fast women who became saints
and the men who died too young
and all the songs they knew and sung;
how they slaughtered the bull
kept eating until their bellies were full
rolling the dice
paying the price
but at the end of the day
they said what they came to say.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

dying in the desert

Revolver
AK
what more is there to say?
NRA.
old man chopped down
young woman in a wedding gown
twisting her head to see the muzzle flash
from an unfamiliar point of view
could she be you?
backward and outward
running without direction or a shoe
jawbone broken in two
the cracking sound of another round
and each successive shot came so fast
tearing a little girl's head in half
the killer gave a silent laugh
watching her eyes
disappear and reappear
into another face
in his haste
reloading and reordering
brain matter on a country & western platter
gripping the rungs on an out-of-reach ladder
not far from the famous strip
the blood-spattered cigar fell smoking from the policeman's lips
as full metal jackets continued to rain down like hail
as if you could drive a nail
through it
thick as an armored battleship
smoke alarms
hundreds of people hurt
dying in the desert
Revolver
AK
what more is there to say?
NRA.

Monday, October 2, 2017

underneath the fingerprints of a god

oh yes
there are bones
skeletons of dogs
and sheep
and yet the one impression that i keep
inside my favorite foundry mold
is of a long tall tale of being old
in an age of superlatives:
deadliest mass shooting
most post-hurricane looting
and i have a lot of others, sisters and brothers
because i'm working on the history of Man.
i see him crawling away from his trash can
artificially built up by reputation,
dreaming of a prolonged retirement vacation
with his modern holiday lover
claiming to know how all the marked cards are dealt.
i watch his party ice melt
and his furrowed forehead become warm
underneath the fingerprints of a god
who had been modeled originally in clay
oh yes
someone pray.

on the bloody ground at Mandalay Bay

monstrous heads
small feet
kicking me
up and down the street
like a brushstroke
of writhing paint
on a colossal canvas
i faint
with an eloquence
all my own
on the bloody ground at Mandalay Bay
in Las Vegas, a concert moan
a groan
a dead mother
a dad and his brother
a son
a daughter
a senseless slaughter
during a time of peace
it has to cease!!
and fifty years later
a well-dressed waiter
might ask me if i'd like a drink,
but i'll have to think
about that.

Monday, September 25, 2017

the streets of Chicago burned

where did you march carrying the flag
in the summer of '68
when the streets of Chicago burned
with a passion beyond hate?
could you hear the voice of your daddy
say "Where is my son?" "Did he die?"
before you took another breath
did you ever wonder why
there were police surrounding Lincoln Park
and a cold wind blew from the lake?
were you enrolled in a great course
or weren't you even awake
when the helicopters flew at night
and the citizen soldiers fought?
when the songs were duty to country
which were the ones you were taught?
did you turn your back and run away
as the smoke burned your lungs and eyes;
and air filled with shouts of wonder
did you hear a mother cry?
into madness with a purple heart
in the summer of '68
when the streets of Chicago burned
with a passion beyond hate
did you take a seat while other boys
in their enthusiasms played
but could not stand the growing noise
and fell silent as you prayed.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

the Vietnam war ended

baby
maybe
i am not offended
that the Vietnam war ended
as it did because for my part
i gave my heart
i danced, had a drink
fell into the Mekong stink
cried, lied
felt terrified
lost my arms and feet
tasted numbness and defeat
it grabbed me by the hair
forced me into a razor-wire chair
laid me bare
until i sat dreaming
& steaming
in the afternoon breeze
muttering please
save me, honey
but i don't need your fucking money
i don't want your morning kiss
i prefer my worn mattress
and the cigarette burns on my polyester suit.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Larry Bird

Larry Bird
with much love and tenderness
and a killer jump shot
far from the hoop
a three point bomber
like a tight rope artist
an in your face dunk
and an Ovid-the-poet passer
like Apollo's first love,
the mountain nymph, Daphne,
striking fear
into the taller players hiding in treetops
unceremoniously
dreaming of defeat at the hands of the white kid
from French Lick.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Birthday Bash

was it
a backstage drama
or a pair of happy breasts seen through an open second story window
or a modern artist
displaying in a courageous manner
to her biographer?
well, the shift from memory to myth
requires a change of heart,
instead of a simple switch from Shiner Bock
to Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.
but i do remember a blue ice chest filled to the brim
with party hats
and a lime pie with an assortment of flaming candles, most
of which were dripping wax onto the peanut butter cake,
bought with small change and massively disappointing.
and while i wouldn't step into a dead man's boots,
i did drink inexpensive Chardonnay
because the price was right and the ensuing conversation
full of enthusiasm,
as was the spectacular bean salad.
a very costly link of sausage made from pure maple syrup
tasted sweet to one young musician called
Igor and his wife was Sally, who promised to use
saddle cream on his ass if he went for a bike ride
with his friend, Rodney.
Rodney was not interested.
but there were three exuberant ladies of the church who sang
in falsetto but were not really women and a dancer
who sang on an elevated stage as a real woman
and probably missed the bingo game scheduled for later.
initially it was a great blow to sit at a table which wobbled,
and i fixed that with a serving plate borrowed from an adjacent table
and no one seemed to mind;
after all, it was my birthday!
so before i ate dinner, i recited Lincoln's Gettysburg Address or, at best,
some of it
and i didn't know how good halibut could taste until i swam
away with it as an experiment,
hair flying in the breeze.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

one night in a local hotel

all my friends
some in the pond
and some i don't know
what they're up to
i certainly couldn't guess
but i digress
far from the social scene
where i sit down for an evening meal
and my iphone rings
but i am not at home
with no extra time to spare
i've almost completely cut my hair
in search of further guidance
i won't answer letters on principle
my hands are nervous but they're full
pouring beer and cooking with gas
i won't drink red wine by the case
toasting the massacre of the human race
or i'll suffer horribly
reading a recent catastrophic letter
questioning whether i'll take a sad song and make it better
during a final summer family trip
to the shores of southern New Jersey
which even now seem far away
i'm often obliged to be on the east coast
where i'll spend at least one night in a local hotel
hoping in the morning i'll feel well
after wondering throughout the night about the voices of the dead
and all those snarling, biting words they said
about a lifetime of overindulgence
in very rich food
i'm sitting beautifully by my bed kneeling
with a lover asking me how i'm feeling
knowing within days i'll be on the brink of death
sucking air as though each inhale could be my last breath.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

she had the last word

i managed to keep my distance
but saw my dog jump the fence
she disappeared with no time to spare
i looked everywhere
she wouldn't answer me no more
i searched the ceiling; i swept the floor
it was like a game of lost and found
but i wouldn't give up on that hound
maybe she chased an anxious deer?
well, i sat and drank a Coors beer
and thought of a ski trip to Colorado
hmmm, which way did she go?
is she still in the neighborhood?
i'd find her if i could
and finally, i saw her near some old tombstones
in a nearby cemetery filled with Masonic bones
she looked like she had rolled in fresh dirt
her mouth filled with a sugary dessert
it was an over-ripe peach from a local orchard
as usual, she had the last word.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

the descent of Man

working on my health
spending the summer undercover
i'm avoiding a tongue-in-cheek lover
dealing in cheap money
i entertain thoughts of a Los Cabos honey
while waiting for the total solar eclipse
and religiously following the nightly news
i ultimately choose
to see her slow motion hips
her beautiful face flashing behind her tantalizing lips
her whisper like the horny beak of a bird
and i try to understand each flying word
but there are times when the day simply washes away
and she has nothing rational to say
i look at all the empty cigarette packs
to remember what my life lacks
and every visit to the grocery store
gives me a reason to shop for more
before
leaving for a long affair
and i wonder when i'll ever get there
i look at my old hands and all i see are bones
i fill my pockets with memories and feathers and stones
i am told over tea not to be too mean
but have already decided to leave the social scene
ten minutes is all i need
to answer her letters and start to bleed
and i take off my shoe
knowing nobody knows what i'm up to
the evenings come to visit with a Sports Illustrated magazine
but i'm already reading on my back deck and stay unseen
in search of further guidance
i swallow some Don Juan peyote and go into a trance
there's always a full moon somewhere in the distance!
and i see steady light inside my studio
so that's where i should go
to watch a film about the descent of Man
but i don't think i can.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

i can't walk out

in the bright blue sky
two cone-shaped breasts
and in a series of anatomy tests
i finally satisfied my first taste
snapshots of your mysterious face
and a slender leg
well, i got down on my knees to beg
pointing my photographic head
to cool furniture and a hotter bed
and baby, on the edge of the cliff
i didn't want to be left with the questions
"What's for lunch?" or "What if?"
and you told me your favorite destination
we went for a summer vacation
a lovely dip and a delightful swim
you were laughing and beautiful and trim
and the tides gave me no room for doubt
i can't walk out
we stayed for an encore and watched the waves
in the bright blue sky
two cone-shaped breasts
and in a series of anatomy tests
i finally satisfied my first taste
snapshots of your mysterious face
and a slender leg,
well, i got down on my knees to beg;
i spent more time on the make
we had much to give and much to take
from each other
and in the end we found a new beginning,
hit a crazy streak and kept on winning,
making the rounds
in the color and texture of dark roasted coffee grounds
looking out to sea
contentedly
by a table and a little lamp,
feeling slightly damp.

Friday, August 11, 2017

the batter's box

thanks for listening
some years later
when i played second base
and caught a line drive with my backhand turned
to the pitcher's mound
and later threw a runner out at home;
it was a fetish!
a gloved defense against loss and despair
and you were there
with a wide mouth,
a question forming on the first base line:
would he make it to the pros?
like virtually all the girls
with two eye-holes and a soft heart
standing guard over my fate,
i didn't try to stave off your advances
while in the batter's box
taking practice swings at your curved breasts;
i saw your speeding vagina
coming inside high and tight
and the ump, once again, making the hand signal
for a strike, too flagrantly, i felt,
and i fantasized about pitching a no-hitter
in Yankee Stadium
when your sat on my face,
between innings,
as though i were the team bench.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

listening for an encore

Sydney
and the opera house
at dawn
was singing 'Good Day' to a
regatta of sailboats
which i saw
while walking to the famous bridge
out of my way
but not too far
at the end of the summer of
1970.
for nearly a month
i waited for my flight from
Saigon;
in spite of everything,
i was able to board
and on landing
the Aussie girls were waiting
after i cleared Customs and
found my army duffle,
their big round eyes shining
brightly in fresh happy faces.
they waited to dine and dance,
to walk and talk,
to peek and probe,
to be close to me, to touch.
did i ever say how much
it meant?
and in the crisp springtime, months away,
with the opera house filled with song,
the evening harbor aglow with lights, sails and stories,
i'd be waiting under a misty jungle canopy
far to the north,
listening for an encore.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

by my campfire

in Hiroshima,
it's a quiet evening
with a fiery red sun,
sitting stoically above the tall mountains
far to the east,
there are Japanese ghosts nearby
who dance in the deepening shadows.

a few years from now,
from my front porch,
looking up,
there will be fewer stars visible
in the night sky
because of persistent light pollution.

populations are expanding globally,
bringing cares and concerns and cities.

i'd rather see numerous stars than
sudden fear in any child's eyes.

there was certainly fear in the eyes of Japanese children
from Hiroshima and Nagasaki,
once.

do the adults they have become see the stars in the night sky?

these two cities have been re-born.

the children?  there are stories.

i must acknowledge Edison, perhaps,
or Tesla,
because there's darkness
beyond the nearest strip mall,
some welcome and some not so much,
but the shopping centers are fully alive with
artificial light.

it's still possible to find an absence of light,
but outside of the cities.

how far?

in parts of the Mekong delta,
for instance,
water buffalo still roam
without headlamps or streetlights,
stepping into fertile mud,
raising rice,
raising their heads with huge horns.

the Viet Minh have buried their dead
in that land,
along with their black sandals
and black shirts and black teeth.

they claimed a victory
over US Marines who came ashore at Da Nang,
splashing onto China beach like confident predators,
while keeping a watchful eye at dragon clouds
swirling atop Monkey Mountain.

the American troops were to protect innocent
civilians and corrupt Vietnamese generals
by force of arms and
with accurate shooting,
if possible with an unreliable M16.

but a Marine sharpshooter, living in the World,
sat high atop a campus clock tower
in Austin, Texas
shooting at people
far below who were
not Viet Cong
but were waiting for the Texas Oklahoma game to begin
or going about their morning business.

he might have been in Da Nang,
where killing was expected.

Iwo Jima, in the Pacific,
also had a pretend Marine,
John Wayne, a hollywood actor,
who got his feet wet in the black volcanic sand.

but he
didn't climb a clock tower to kill friends
or strangers,

even though he was said to grow a flower from a seed.

the Duke faded away, holding a stiff deck of cards,
a stiff drink,
and a smoking cigarette,
anxious to begin his shuffle toward a new beginning,
where he could act without killing,
without pretending to be someone he wasn't.

and the war to end all wars might have come and gone,
but it failed to end the madness.

the predators often eat their assigned prey,
sometimes wearing a type of uniform.

and sometimes they eat each other,
naked ambition dripping off chins like cooking grease.

i don't remember if there were any predators
at my high school back in the 1960's,
but once, at a post-prom party,
i wanted to read
The Stranger by Camus.

i was told
by a blond cheerleader i was kissing
to quit acting absurd,
and i thought that was funny!

when i met Picasso, a Spanish painter,
he told me at that exact moment,
blond was his favorite color.

the conclusion of our conversation
was a discussion about war:
we both agreed it was a sexual thing.

he liked hiding in French beach cabanas but i'd go anywhere.

the following summer i returned,
anxious to look for him.

i found that he was busy growing the nail on his little finger
while avoiding the subject of the German invasion of France,
though he did mention an earlier bombing of Guernica.

it was only after Salvador Dali
died that i took a renewed vow of sobriety,
excepting for, of course,
the better French wines which i couldn't afford.

i had seen too many ticking clocks melt into distorted shapes
like the faces of small children who
were once seen at play in the narrow streets
of Nagasaki, Japan one surprising morning
while a silver predator flew silently far, far overhead.

i read about Dresden, Germany
and that ugly fire bombing
and got sick, really sick,
as i had many times in the past
while reading about wars.

i've now been in bed writing for over a month,
give or take,
and will soon go outside for an evening walk,
hoping to find at least one
hungry stray cat,
which might once have been a tiger,
or a dog
which once upon a time was a wolf,
a type of predator,
and yet wants to be by my campfire
under a conspicuously starry sky

where we'll both howl to the moon.

Jessica in Madrid, Spring 2006

Jessica in Madrid, Spring 2006
daughter is empowering herself